I really enjoyed writing poetry back then, even though I'd be too embarrassed to even try today. It shouldn't, but a teenage girl writing poems gives me the image of a 13-year-old sitting alone in her bedroom, gazing dramatically out a window while listening to My Chemical Romance and looking up adjectives to describe what an unreasonable bitch her mom is and the overall cruelties of life.
I hate reading things that I wrote when I was younger. I was sensitive, shallow, and I fell madly in love with any boy that would talk to me (and some that didn't). Despite all of that, it does make me feel a little bit better knowing that even back in those days, Courtney was a role model of mine. (I know what you're thinking but I already made the disclaimer! I'm done defending myself now, and I mean it!)
The role models available to us at the time, about five years ago, were the heavily media-trained Disney/Nickelodeon/MTV starlets that promoted "being true to yourself" and "believing in your dreams". Of course, I'm not opposed to those ideals at all, and I'm not here to voice my opinions on popular teen actresses. My peers looked up to the likes of Miley (Disney Channel era) and Demi and Selena and whoever else, I don't even remember and I don't know why only Disney stars are coming to mind, but those were my friends' role models and I'm sure they were mine, too. But I also had Courtney.
I knew that Courtney was different from the other female celebrities I was being exposed to, because she was edgy and dated cute rockstars and sang in a band. What I didn't realize at the time was that while my other role models were constantly preaching that us girls speak our minds and be ourselves, Courtney did it. I doubt that she was ever interviewed for Tiger Beat magazine, but she was always vocal about her opinions, and her actions definitely speak for themselves. She's never been one to hold back. However you feel about Courtney, it's undeniable that her attitude is refreshing in the artificial, simulated world of Hollywood. It sounds bad when I say that she basically has no secrets, but that's a welcome contrast to all of my other preteen idols. I did extensive research on all of them, but no matter how many magazine articles I read or fan websites I visited, they still remained complete strangers to me.
Of course I don't only love Courtney for her shamelessness and authenticity, but her music is what initially grabbed me and what will keep me tied to her, defending her tirelessly, for the rest of my life. If I remember correctly (who knows), seeing Hole perform Softer, Softest on MTV's Unplugged is what inspired me to turn my admiration for her into a poem. It's my favorite song off of Hole's critically acclaimed album Live Through This, and it's a great example of her a.) musical talent/weirdly wonderful songwriting, and b.) flawless aesthetic. The fact that she's also my biggest inspiration in terms of style should, and will be, dedicated to another blog post.
That being said, I love Courtney and if my future daughter ever comes home from school one day with choppy blonde bangs and purple lipstick, asking to borrow my copy of Sassy magazine with Kurt and Courtney on the cover, which I have acquired by this point, I will be totally okay with it. I will encourage it. Aspire to be Courtney Love, children! Her dream in life was to become famous and marry a rockstar, she's totally honest about this, and she achieved it.
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